"Nintendmas"

We will return in January to review Rygar, but in the meantime, please enjoy this short story about "Nintendmas".  Thank you. 

The miNEStry founders, Archbishop Dracul and Father Avram, seek to inspire their  8-bit parishioners through methodical and ceremonial scrutiny of the library of games on the Nintendo Entertainment System. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:01

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SPEAKER_03 0:18

Hello?

SPEAKER_00 0:20

Hey Archbishop. I was just calling to make sure you and Father Avram are still planning on coming to my Nintendo's party.

SPEAKER_03 0:25

Oh yeah, we wouldn't miss it. We're just heading out now.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Oh well I'm asking everybody to bring a really good NES game, so uh bring one.

SPEAKER_03 0:34

Don't you have like all of them?

SPEAKER_00 0:37

Uh I sold 'em.

SPEAKER_03 0:39

What? What why?

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Well beat them all.

SPEAKER_03 0:47

Alright, we'll head over when Avram's done with the cookies. Alright, sounds good to see then. Son of a bitch.

SPEAKER_01 0:55

Father Avram, you almost ready or what? I'm just pulling the last batch of cartridge cookies out of the oven now. Great, I'm starving. Don't touch them, you baboon! If you start eating them now, there'll be none left by the time we get to the party. I can hardly wait to see what Deacon Gabor has collected these past few months. You know he always has some big new purchase he likes to show off every year.

SPEAKER_03 1:22

Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen this year. By the way, we're bringing Deadly Towers to play at the party.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

Uh isn't that still locked inside that accursed egg?

SPEAKER_03 1:36

Well maybe Gabor has some ideas. We'll get it open one way or another. Come on, let's get going. Yeah, he wouldn't let us leave him behind. Oh, by the way, I finally beat Stack Up. I beat Stack Up. You watched. So I don't need him anymore. He's all yours. Mary Nintendmas.

SPEAKER_00 2:33

Great. Thanks. Uh actually, I think I know someone who'll be very interested in a Rob the robot.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

Happy Nintendmus, shit stains! Jeffrey? Here? Yeah, I know Jeffrey. Keep on my collection. Cha-ching, cha-ching, wafer munchers! That collection is gonna have me rollin' into Moolah in no time! You're such a greedy giraffe! Ha! That's rich. Especially coming from the holy ones who were holding a Deadly Towers copy that Oh wait! That's right! That they stole from me!

SPEAKER_03 3:07

Sus split hairs here. We brought this game for everybody to enjoy. Can you open it, please?

SPEAKER_02 3:12

You're asking if I can open my own egg? Of course I can! Can you open it, please? In order to redeem a purchase, you must grab one of the yellow tickets inside the sleeve below the game. Game the below sleeve, the inside tickets yellow, the one of one grab, must you purchase a redeem to order in.

SPEAKER_03 3:42

Did he have a stroke? I think he's the devil.

SPEAKER_01 3:46

There you go.

SPEAKER_03 3:48

Alright, let's tear this sucker open.

SPEAKER_01 3:51

Archbishop, this game is sealed. Are you sure you want to open this?

SPEAKER_03 3:56

Yes. Everyone must play this. Okay, guys, listen. I know this game gets a bad rap, but you gotta know how to play it. So here. You gotta get right up in their face and spam the attack button, see? And fuck.

SPEAKER_02 4:22

Boy, you really showed us, douchebag! I'm so glad I unlocked the egg so we can watch you make a complete fool of yourself.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

I told you to bring a good game. Can't you tell the difference between a good game and a shitty game? I mean, isn't that what the ministry does?

SPEAKER_02 4:38

Rats!

SPEAKER_01 4:43

Archbishop! Wait! What's the matter?

SPEAKER_03 4:49

It's all wrong. I guess I really don't know what Nintendmus is all about. Isn't there anyone who knows what Nintendus is all about?

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Uh sure, Archbishop, I can tell you what Nintendo is all about. Lights, please! What the hell where do those spotlights come from? And there were once children sitting cross-legged on the carpet beneath the warm light of a television. The screen flickered, and the little plumber in red overalls began to jump. And the children laughed because something magical was happening. They were playing, and one said unto another, Remember how you had to blow on the cartridge just to make it work? And another said, Remember when your brother pulled the controller too hard and the whole console fell off the shelf? And another whispered, Remember when we stayed up past bedtime, taking turns in Metroid and finally beat Mother Brain as the sun was coming up. And they remembered Duck Hunt, where the dog laughed and you tried to shoot it, but nothing happened. And The Legend of Zelda, where the world felt endless even though it fit on one tiny cartridge. And Contra, where two friends shared three or thirty lives, and somehow it still wasn't enough. And the players rejoiced, for they knew that Nintendmus wasn't about graphics or difficulty or how many times you saw the game over screen. It was about patience, laughter, and learning that every time you hit start, you had another chance to try again. That's what Nintendmus is all about, Archbishop Dracool. Not the quality of the games, but the memories we made with each other while playing them.

SPEAKER_03 6:49

You're right. I won't let this ruin my Nintendo. Let's get back in there.

SPEAKER_01 6:56

Wait, look, Archbishop! They're playing Deadly Towers. Really? Look!

SPEAKER_00 7:05

Archbishop Draco might be a block here. But we can still have a good time making fun of this piece of shit game.

SPEAKER_02 7:11

We sure can! Yippee Kaye, Fothermuckers! And happy attendance to all.